Wednesday, May 9, 2018
When David suggested that we write about the scumbags who degraded me I felt degraded once again because now people knew or would know through our new book, The Natural History of the Cockwomble, about the reality of my prior existence. David intended that these pieces be therapeutic, and would close a chapter on this section of my life, which i had largely repressed.
A lot of memories surfaced and I realized the role I played in my own degradation. So, yes, now I am aware of how horrible the treatment of me was at the hands of the men and women who used me sexually. Writing about the former FBI agent, "Lego", was particularly difficult because of the connection to my family and my fear of them finding out that i had been abused by a family friend. I expect that if they read it I will be treated like the whore they saw me as even before I became one.
I am starting to feel better now. My emotions cycle rapidly because of Saphris withdrawal, so I never know what to expect from myself or my body. I was worried about telling David how truly awful my past was, perhaps out of self-hatred. But David has seemed to take pleasure in working with this material since he sees it as emptying a trash can, something I needed to do. Also, he has a penchant for small cock humiliation, and indeed they were small men. None of them went deep enough to know me in any sense, I was disembodied through depersonalization, and somehow shielded myself in this way.
I have been in therapy for over half my life, and have seen little results in improving my self-esteem. Now I am happily married to David and the trashcan was certainly full, but we have emptied it.